Today we’re talking about everyone’s favorite buzzword: Self care. And if you can’t tell by now, I’ve got a major bone to pick with it. As Homemakers, though, in order to keep ourselves from burning out, and ensure we're actually accomplishing the work we set out to do, it's an integral part of our routine that can't be neglected... In order for it to work properly and be utilized effectively, however? We need to sit down and have a major discussion about what Self Care actually is- and exactly how modern consumerism has screwed it the hell up. So strap in, darlings, because this is going to be a bit of a long one this time.
According to The Law of Attraction’s opening of their What Is Self-Care And Why Is Self-Care Important? article:
Self-care is a broad term that encompasses just about anything you to do be good to yourself. In a nutshell, it’s about being as kind to yourself as you would be to others. It’s partly about knowing when your resources are running low, and stepping back to replenish them rather than letting them all drain away.
Of course, "the Law of Attraction" is the New Thought movement's biggest lie. But everywhere you look on the internet, everyone’s talking about “self care”; it’s in institutions and places of business… In marketing, and on blogs… I can’t even get away from it in my personal feed; it’s everywhere, and there’s no avoiding it.
Now don't get me wrong. Taking care of yourself's important- and positivity, when used correctly, is a great tool that can go a long way in helping us do that. But in recent years, self care has become just another tool in the “feel good” arsenal utilized by people neon signs strung across their doors reading “Positive Vibes Only”; more often than not it’s an excuse to escape from reality and buck off responsibilities- and to be irrational or erratic in our purchases. The result is having turned the process of “self care” into a materialistic, capitalistic society’s overindulgent wet dream.
I’m not the only one who thinks so, either; as Sam at The Sammy Project writes in It’s Time to Get Your Sh*t Together (Yes, I am talking to you) about the “Treat Yo’self” mentality usually closely linked to current self care blogger culture:
I ‘treated myself’ once because I had been through a lot and sure, everything in moderation and then 6 months later, I realized I was still doing a lot of treatin’ and not a lot of workin’. I’m not exactly a moderation kind of gal. So I’m calling it, treating yourself is an excuse- and a pretty stupid one.
And as Annie Walton-Doyle notes in an article on Ravishly:
In the same way “wellness” has gone, the concept now seems vague and fuzzy, somehow ineffable. That doesn’t stop it from being used to describe all manner of objects and rituals, from a face mask to a salad to a long walk in the park. No wonder people are confused […] Like all modern phenomena, it is primarily rooted in good old making-us- buy-stuff. Can’t find peace and happiness in the world as it exists? Don’t worry: there’s a purchase for that.
Yet even though we might call it self care? The reality is the common form most are familiar with because of this newfangled visibility may certainly make you feel good temporarily… But self care it ain’t. Frankly, what it is, is a joke... Not just a joke, though.. But pretty much the complete antithesis of legitimate self care methods altogether; a bastardization which unduly capitalizes on something that’s a necessary element of daily living.
⚶ The detail everyone’s been missing ⚶
True self care is a legitimate medical process. One which has, in fact, actually existed outside of the blogging sphere and all it’s positive “love the skin you’re in” and “treat yo’self” feel-good vibes for decades; it’s something that has meaning. And more importantly, there’s an actual process to performing it- and a specific way it’s supposed to be approached and applied.
Specifically, self care is what's known as a self regulated coping mechanism; an actual health and treatment system that's used in the long term management and treatment of Chronic Health Disorders. And it's typically been practiced under professional guidance in addition to other conventional treatments and therapies; as Aisha Harris notes in a Slate Article on the Topic:
Self-care originally caught on as a medical concept. Doctors have long discussed it as a way for patients to treat themselves and exercise healthy habits, most often under the guidance of a health professional. Prior to the late 1960s and early 1970s, these patients were usually mentally ill and elderly people who required long-term care and otherwise had little autonomy.
As Aisha also duly notes, however, it’s been co-opted, rewritten, and occasionally twisted by a number of groups and movements over the decades... Some of them have gotten it at least partially right in doing so- and indeed, some of their changes have been beneficial; the constant re-examination of what it means to care for yourself has managed to improve self care methods and increase understanding for the number of people who rely on it.
Other changes, though, haven’t done nearly as much good. They’ve harmed it more than they've helped- and sometimes irrevocably so. And without fail, that harm has led to disastrous consequences for those who actually rely on the treatment system to get by... Case en point? The current self care culture that takes a vapid “treat yo’self” mentality to every element of what’s really meant to be a carefully curated system intended to give someone autonomy and control over their health.
When it's put in that light, perhaps you can see why we're angry that it's been co-opted again.
⚶ So what is it , and how does it work ⚶
Real self care definitely isn’t about “being as kind to yourself as you would be to others”, or any of that sort of stuff… But despite the glaring issues with their definition (and the whole “positive attraction” thing itself), the article I linked in the opening paragraph did actually get it at least partially right; self care is, in fact, at least partly about "knowing when your resources are running low”. Likewise, it's also partly about "knowing when to step back to replenish them, rather than letting them all drain away”.
But there’s also more to it than that… Much, much more; as a self regulatory coping and treatment method, it’s a deliberate and tactical lifestyle we commit to- one that’s meant to be used while outside of (or in addition to) conventional treatment and its related environments. And the key word there is lifestyle: Self care is something learned, purposeful and continuous... You don’t get to take a break from it.
It involves a number of self initiated activities that we engage in daily. But activities in general can usually be divided into four main categories: Physical, Mental, Social, and Spiritual… For the chronically ill, though, every activity has an additional category: It’s either Triggering (activities that cause or exacerbate the negative symptoms of our illness), or it’s Recuperating (activities that help us recover from or prevent those symptoms).
For self care to work properly you have to actively identify what triggers the negative symptoms of your disorder- whether we’re talking fatigue, vomiting, depression, or any other symptoms you experience… But you also need to identify what you need as part of day-to-day life in order to reduce those triggers or recuperate from them faster (maintenance oriented self care)- as well as what strategies are best for you to employ if you’re facing a crisis (emergency self care).
The reason we identify these things is to find balance. And not just in terms of balancing the four categories themselves- the Physical, Mental, Social, and Spiritual... But also how to balance the chronic categories (Triggering and Recuperating); it's a process of figuring out how to balance the triggering activities you need to participate in as a human being with responsibilities and fundamental life needs, with recuperating ones you need to participate in in order to continue being healthy- and making sure you’re also maintaining a healthy balance of life activities in general, so no singular area of your life is suffering or falling behind.
We selectively, and intentionally, participate in those activities in the order and methods best for us to do so… But it’s not a “whenever we feel like it” thing; as Megha Pulianda writes for Psychology Today in her own lamentations about self care:
Self-care is anything but a one-time act. It is a mindset and a process […] This means that self-care, contrary to what the words might indicate, can be a little inconvenient at times. It doesn’t always fit perfectly into my relationship, my work, or my schedule, but it crucial to my health. It is a small investment with the ultimate return.
Self care’s entire purpose revolves around ensuring we remain healthy and well balanced, while simultaneously enhancing our overall health and quality of life while living with these chronic conditions. The point of finding that balance is so that we can continue to be present in the world in a way that is healthy for us- not absent from it due to unhealth… And you can’t do that- you can’t continue to be present- if you’re only selectively participating.
That makes the act of Self care a daily necessity; it’s something that needs to be actively planned, fit into your routine to the best of your ability, and then intentionally participated in every single day in order to prevent, reduce, cope with, recuperate from, or otherwise manage the symptoms of Chronic Illness… If you don’t do it daily, it doesn’t actually work.
⚶ What real Self Care looks like ⚶
Real self care isn't pretty- and neither does it photograph well. The idea that it is, can be, or does, is ultimately a byproduct of the consumerist nonsense that's invaded and commodified it over the years- turning it from legitimate healthcare system into a consumerist wet dream meant merely to sell us all more stuff.
What it really is, is taking your medication every day because you know you’ll be in excruciating pain later if you don’t. It’s also taking a nap every day at 2 pm because you know that, if you don’t, you won’t have the ability to make yourself dinner- and you have to eat dinner because, if you don’t, tomorrow you won’t have the ability to take your medication.
It’s exercising for 20 minutes daily because you know it helps increase your health and overall energy, even if you’re depleted and need that nap afterwards.. And it’s taking your shower at the end of the day because it makes you feel gross not to take care of your personal hygiene- and feeling gross only exacerbates the Depression you’re already feeling.
It’s powering through two hours of work even though you’re exhausted, because you can’t get around the fact that you need money to continue living… But it’s also ensuring that you schedule yourself a 20 minute break between clients because even if you know that means less money overall? The burnout, fatigue, mental fog, and other symptom you could experience from performing back-to-back meetings does more damage to your health- which means you have to miss even more work, meaning even less money to keep on living.
It’s forcing yourself to get up and go to Church every Sunday because you know you feel depressed, lost, and without direction for the rest of the week if you don’t, because spirituality and faith are a large part of your life. Likewise, it’s not saying “no” to that Coffee Date with your best friend even if you’d rather stay in that day, because you know that even with as draining as social activities can be, it’s the best way to kick loneliness in the face- and right now the loneliness happens to be winning.
Self care is also walking away from an argument with someone who’s being an asshole, because even if you know you’re right? You also know you have anger management problems and part of overcoming and / or dealing with them is learning to just walk away.
Of course… Building blanket forts, taking bubble baths, taking extra naps or sleeping in, using lush bath bombs, eating what you want, slathering yourself in face masks, painting your nails, buying whatever you want, and even being a bit selfish on occasion? These things actually can also be legitimate activities in someone’s self care regime in moderation, too; “self care” has a broad definition for a reason, after all, and there’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all routine.
But on their own as currently practiced by the blog-o-sphere, however? They're ultimately just temporary, selfish, materialistic acts with little genuine intention behind them; activities really meant to help you avoid reality and step back from your responsibilities for a hot second when you just don’t feel like dealing with them... And while they might make you feel good for a little bit, it’s still not self care.
⚶ A plea to do it right ⚶
None of this is to say that it’s a bad thing self care has gotten so popular, however. Nor is it to say that “normal people” (read: those without Chronic Illness) can’t benefit from legitimate self care and should therefore drop any concept of it altogether… In fact, it’s quite the opposite really; as a chronically ill, disabled individual, I fully believe self care is a legitimate health regulation method that everyone can benefit from employing in their lives regardless of their current level of health. And I believe this is especially true for the Homemaker who has to self regulate their own profession day in and day out.
But I also know, both from training and therapy, and first hand experience, that it only works as long as it’s done right. And practicing it right means “without continuing to commodify it as a capitalistic, materialistic self indulgence fest that allows you to escape from reality and dodge your responsibilities“. Because that’s not self care. That’s a self indulgent form of escapism- and it doesn’t work.
As The List says in the closing of their article 7 things that are good examples of self-care and 7 things that aren’t:
True self-care isn’t selfish; it’s part of leading a happy, healthy life. But it’s also not always easy. It can take real, conscious, intentional effort to make choices that will actually contribute to your overall wellness, as opposed to just treating the symptoms of stress or daily wear and tear; as Dr. Kris put it, “While guilty pleasures like chocolate or shopping can be enjoyable and bring some temporary relief, high-impact, scientifically grounded self-care activities can actually add up to our health bottom line.”
So the problem isn’t that it’s popular now and more people are participating in it… The problem is that they’re participating incorrectly in the first place; it’s the way in which it’s being promoted, explained, and participated in by the public- and how that directly contradicts its entire purpose; how it’s the direct antithesis of how self care is designed to work, how it’s actually meant to be utilized, and its true purpose as a tool to manage one’s health.
True self care isn’t an excuse to avoid reality, buck responsibility, be selfish, or be irrational in your purchasing choices… That’s not healthy behavior- and health (real, genuine, full bodied and minded health and wellness) is the entire point of self care.