In her article titled How to Be All Classy and Shit, Damn Girl Get Your Shit Together talked about the concept of class- and who she thought was the classiest person she knew. This is intricately ties into the subject of etiquette and ladyship... But when people hear the words "Lady" and "Ladylike", however, their response typically falls into one of two categories: Haters, or Romanticists. Both come with their own unique problems, but both also seem to have it wrong to begin with.
"Ladylike" is a term that, in the modern day; is horrifyingly polarizing. But whether you're a hater, or you're a romanticist, I don't quite care. What I'm more interested in is what it actually is- and what it is, is complicated in a way no one on either side of the debate has actually managed to realize.
“Being a Lady” and “Having Class” are two things that are hard to pin down; with near absolute certainty, the majority of us know instantly when we’ve met someone who fits the qualifications. We flock to them when we find them- and for good reason: We like the way they make everyone feel special, how they appear to be compassionate and empathetic, and how they care for their fellow human beings. We like how they epitomize a certain timeless beauty and grace, how they’re well read and excellent conversationalists, and more.
But when pressed to define what any of those traits that make them “ladylike” or “classy” actually are? We’re usually left flabbergasted and largely without an answer to the question… Hell, not even the Dictionary seems to be able to pin it down in any concrete manner despite trying- and oh, it does try.
Despite being so nearly impossible to pin down, however… When you look online, article upon article, upon article, upon article, upon article still talks about the “requirements” for being a Lady. What’s particularly interesting to me, though, is how almost all of them focus near exclusively on how a Woman should dress and care for herself above all else; very rarely do any of these articles ever actually pay attention to the behavior that makes someone a lady- and when behavior does get the rare spotlight, it’s hardly a positive one.
All these articles miss the mark entirely
See, I’ve been giving the term ladylike some significant thought over the last few years. In doing so, I’ve come to a couple important conclusions about it: Firstly, that people now a days have quite a strange view of what a lady actually is- and what “being a lady” actually means… And secondly, that the concept of ladyship we subscribe to today is about as far removed from its historical employment as a tree is from a frog; related in their own ways, but certainly not anywhere near the same
But if being a lady isn’t about how you do your hair, dress yourself, or do your makeup… If it isn’t about being a #GirlBoss, having leadership skills, or being confident… If it isn’t about being meek, or quiet, or a doormat for everyone else… Hell, if it isn’t even about the language you use, the subjects you understand, or following specific arbitrary social rules concerning things like how to set a damned table… Then what on Earth can it possibly be about?
The answer lies in stripping ladyship of all the surface fluff and figuring out what lies at its core. And for that, you need to go back to history- while simultaneously ignoring its uses as a ranked title in Monarchies.
To break it down simply: The terms lady and ladylike (or, alternatively, ladily) were used as early as the 1400’s to refer to “a woman whose manners and sensibilities befit her for high rank in society”.
Now a days the definition is still pretty similar: “a woman of refinement and gentle manners; a courteous, decorous, or genteel woman”; the same can be said for ladylike: “behavior appropriate for or typical of a well-bred, decorous woman”.
To understand this, however, you have to understand that all social groups throughout history have always had written (and unwritten) agreements to abide by certain (sometime strict) rules which govern their behavior; rules which define what behavior is appropriate or inappropriate in any given circumstance- and sometimes, even, depending on your social rank.
It's a three tiered system that's actually quite simple.
The system?
Social Contract.
Its rules?
Etiquette.
Abiding by them?
Manners.
And being adept at abiding by it all's called Social Grace.
The concept of social contracts, manners, etiquette, and social grace- even the idea that there’s such a thing as “appropriate behavior”… All of it dates back practically to the dawn of human civilization; the first written records of what we would consider an Etiquette Manual today was a document written by Ptahhotep- an Ancient Egyptian Vizier- in C. 2400 BCE.
So while the concept of being a lady is quite a modern one in the grand scheme of history? The idea of social grace in general isn’t a new concept at all.
The specific ideas we subscribe to today, though, are a heavy hitting holdover from the fact that lower ranking social groups have historically attempted to emulate the behavior of the highest ranked in society: People who’ve historically been pretty fucking snobby if you didn’t meet their expectations where it concerned manners (but especially if you were poor, lesser, or just lower ranked than them in general). And those people frequently had some of the strictest rules meant to set them apart from those that were “lower” than them.
If you didn’t meet those expectations, they considered you things like “uncultured”, or “unladylike”- and being ladylike and cultured was… Well… Pretty essential to maintaining your social status in a number of ways.
Of course, we don’t live in a society where the rich lord over the peasants and those low on the socioeconomic food chain attempt to emulate those higher up (or do we?). You probably won’t lose your social status, either, if you decide to buck all your group’s social rules (or will you?)… But- shockingly to some, maybe- these concepts of Manners (or behavior toward others which reflects polite consideration, kindness, and respect) and Etiquette (or a code of social conduct meant to facilitate positive interaction, based on cultural ideas of social acceptability) still sit at the core of ladyship.
In other words, it’s actually quite clear that being a lady is about so much more than how you dress or whether or not you’re confident… It’s about how those things impact those around you; recognizing that your behavior, your words, and (yes) even your manner of dress impacts people other than yourself. More than that, means treating each person with the dignity and respect that a person deserves at their core; it’s understanding that social contracts mean something, and that etiquette and manners have value in society- and respecting your fellow Human Beings enough to view them as worthy of employing it.
Despite all of this, however, the rules aren’t steadfast… How you get there can vary wildly from France to India, to the Amazonian Rainforest- and from the Edwardian Era, to the Victorian, and even the Byzantium. It can also vary from Outdoorsmen to CEO’s, Bloggers, and even Parents. This is because the rules dictated by Social Contracts depend on several important factors: Culture, Era, Social Group, and even Generation.
Each era, ingroup, profession, etc, has their own opinions as to what’s appropriate or not- or their own Social Contracts. As a result, what can make you “a lady” to one can easily make you crass and vulgar to another.
Regardless of how it’s achieved, though, the ultimate goal isn’t selfish or vapid… It’s actually fairly selfless because you’re putting the safety, stability, and wellbeing of your group above your personal desires to be a hot, selfish, mean ass fucking mess (emotionally, behaviorally, and even physically)… And while that can sometimes manifest itself in a number of incredibly toxic ways? It’s not inherently- or always- necessarily a bad thing.
I do think it’s a commendable goal which inherently requires several traits- like a willingness to invest in your personal hygiene…. Maturity, personal responsibility, reliability, integrity, and fairness… Empathy, compassion, sympathy, sincerity, and understanding. Gratitude, grace, and humility… A willingness to give back to society, respect for your fellow people, and so on; when you strip everything down to its core, it’s arguably the presence- or lack- of these traits that really determine whether or not someone’s “a Lady” (or, conversely, a Gentleman).
It’s hard not to argue that we could all use a little more of that in our lives; it’s a far more valuable trait than people will ever give it credit for- especially in a world that values selfishness to the near point of toxicity.