Over the last few years I've stumbled across a number of articles talking about “Egalitarian Marriage”, from every side of the fence imaginable; the most recent one discussed a study done in the Netherlands which claims to have proven that Egalitarian Marriage leads to “a higher rate of divorce and low marital happiness overall”. I had a good long laugh about it with my Husband- and you should be laughing, too.
As much as I enjoy having a more old fashioned relationship with my husband? I have a confession- from one Homemaker to… Well, who knows who you are reading my blog: My Husband and I have an Egalitarian Marriage- and both of us are happy and fulfilled by it.
Years of marriage, and we've never fought or argued once. We still think of our relationship as just as perfect today as it was the day we married- and we're a dream team when we work together; we couldn't ask for more, really. But no matter how great our relationship is, though, We love looking for ways we can continue improving it, so we make sure we remain happy as the years progress.
Which, of course, usually means I wind up reading a lot of studies and think pieces on marriage, from a lot of different people and perspectives. And books. And podcasts. And anything I can get my hands on, really... And boy, let me tell you… It doesn’t matter what side of the tracks these articles come from. Some of them get truly weird– especially when Egalitarianism gets brought up. There does, however, seem to be a unifying trend among these articles that I’ve noticed over the years- and that's the assertion that egalitarian marriages don’t work (even for most Feminists).
If my Husband and I can have what we consider an Egalitarian Marriage, never fight or argue about the division of labor (or other important “make or break” marriage topics), and still both feel fulfilled? Then it shows an Egalitarian Marriage is possible, right? Which inevitably leads me to wonder why everyone else seems to be getting it wrong and winding up unhappy.
What are they actually talking about when they put two and two together and claim this mythical Egalitarianism? What is the actual source of their unhappiness? I think I’ve figured it out finally- but I don’t think it has anything to do with Egalitarianism itself… I think it has more to do with the fact that none of their authors ever actually seem to have any actual idea what legitimately constitutes an Egalitarian Marriage in the first place.
⚶ What They Think It Is ⚶
When reading articles like this, I regularly see phrases like “shar[e] equal responsibility for work in the home” tossed around. An absurd amount of articles seem to go so far as to actually keep score of how many times they or their partner did what household duty- as if it’s a major arguing point for (or against) the validity of Egalitarian Marriage structures.
In other words: Everything is focused on work in terms of small, individual acts of labor- or how much of each type of work that every person does... With a specification that every person does exactly 50% of everything.
The Problem ⚶
Now I don’t know about you, but this baffles the hell out of me; I see a fundamental problem with this- most notably in the fact that it’s unrealistic and nearly impossible… There’s always some outlier that can make it work, sure. But the vast majority of people aren’t going to be able to obtain- let alone maintain- a 50% / 50% split in labor.
Eventually you’ll have days where one partner’s gone for longer, and can’t do exactly 50% for that day… But more than that, certain labor actually does require certain skills. And while that doesn’t mean that both (or all) people in a relationship shouldn’t learn those skills? It does mean someone’s inevitably going to be more suited for it because they have more skill with it; it’s incredibly unrealistic to always expect everyone to be able to contribute exactly equally to everything that needs to be done in a household.
But because no one can realistically contribute exactly 50% of every laborious act necessary to upkeep a Household? This sort of division of equal labor in terms of individual acts… In terms of counting how often your husband loads the dishwasher compared to you… Is incredibly detrimental- and it will inevitably have a negative impact on your relationship regardless of whether or not you want it to.
And why wouldn’t it? After all, marriage isn’t supposed to be a competition in the first place- it's supposed to be a team effort; last I checked teams don't operate on a 50-50 split. More importantly than that, however, is the fact that this structure isn’t even Egalitarian. If anything, it actually makes a complete mockery of Egalitarianism.
⚶ What It Actually Is ⚶
Egalitarianism itself is the ideology that all people are equal in stature and worth- and that this is true regardless of socioeconomic status, religion, race, sexuality, or any other identifying aspect of human life, interest, or behavior. Therefore, as equal persons, on a base and fundamental level we deserve equal opportunity and to share equal social responsibility.
To put it simply: Egalitarianism isn’t about human labor. It’s about human value. Ergo, Egalitarianism does not- and should never actually- translate into the idea that everyone must pull exactly 50% of the weight in all things at all times... But that leads to the question that, if an Egalitarian Marriage isn’t a marriage in which everyone does exactly 50% of each individual item... Then what is it?
Put simply, Egalitarianism has to do with two things called expectation and responsibility (which you probably could have guessed by now). And when you incorporate that with the recognition of marriage as partnership, and not competition, two things become clear.
- Firstly, that each person should perform the jobs that suit them best– ignoring things such as societal gender constructs and gender roles which dictate things like “labor is a man’s work” and “domestic duties are a woman’s work”.
- And secondly- and most importantly- that the couple approaches each other as equally important contributors to the household, and respects each other as such regardless of their jobs or role.
How That Looks ⚶
As an example, lets look at my own Marriage and my Husband and I; we look old fashioned on the surface to pretty much everyone- and we do fancy ourselves quite old fashioned in a lot of regards. But you’d probably be surprised what’s under the surface here... So let’s lift the hood, shall we? Give you a little peak of why and how we operate- starting with what both of us look like, enjoy doing, and already bring to the table before the labor division even happens:
I am very much the Housewife type. I enjoy cooking, cleaning, babysitting, taking care of my pets, and quite a few other aspects of domesticity. Physically I am much shorter than he is, weigh less, and am not as strong as he is despite both of us lifting weights and being interested in maintaining our physical health. I also have health problems that prevent me from doing a lot of hard, continuous labor. I have also worked at a small job making minimum wage for 6 months now in an effort to provide additional “play” income for us- and while I have been promoted at work I don’t have any benefits, and my company’s not all that wonderful.
My Husband, on the other hand, very much gains satisfaction from working with his hands and enjoys hard physical labor. He is physically large and strong and builds muscle easily. He doesn't have any health conditions, save for high blood pressure and a couple creaks here and there. And he's been at his job for over 2 years, is established there, makes higher wages than most in our area, works for a good company, and has an amazing benefits package through them.
Given all of these factors, it makes very little sense to have me working outside of the home as the primary financial contributor to the household- or for him to be the primary domestic contributor within the house. Nor would it make sense for us both to do equal work within and around the house due to our differences in schedule, and the differences in hours we work outside of it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. If we chose a different structure of labor division, we’d still be happy we were each contributing to the household (and to the team we created) in some manner… But it wouldn't work well. Nor would it be the most efficient use of our individual time and labor to divide everything up exactly equally. And not only does the practicality of skillsets matter, but our own interests matter, too- and on that front neither of us would be as happy as we could be otherwise.
It makes much more sense for me to be the primary domestic contributor and him the primary financial one… Not because we expect the other to do these things due to our genders. But because this division of labor just makes much more sense for us than other forms. And it also allows us to contribute to the household in the most efficient and logical ways possible, and which we find most personally satisfying.
⚶ Let's Stop Walking the Dog ⚶
The short sweet and simple of it is this: So what if someone walks the dog more times a day than the other person does... Does it really matter that they do? The answer is no. It doesn’t matter- and it doesn’t need to matter, either.
The fact is that contributing to a household isn’t a single zero sum game of “I walk the dog twice, you walk the dog twice”, rinse, wash, and repeat. There’s more to it than that. Hell, there’s more to Egalitarianism than that. And when you look at the greater picture- beyond the absurdity of micromanaging who’s doing what, how many times, and when? My Husband and I both carry (and recognize that we carry) equal responsibility to our household.
Not labor… Responsibility. And "equal responsibility" is a different beast than "equal labor" entirely. This difference isn't even remotely acknowledged during these discussions however. But it's exactly what's screwing up everyone's idea about whether or not Egalitarian marriages even work- and recognizing it matters.
Households aren’t built with just labor, or just finances, or just anything… They require all of the above- and the efforts of all people involved. Egalitarianism in marriage is about a structure and way of approaching your partnership, and your partner, that recognizes every party's contributions as equally important in the household’s creation and maintenance; which affirms that all parties are performing work that is integral to its function and existence.
And that’s the real key to Egalitarianism, folks: Neither of us view ourselves as more important than the other despite having different duties and responsibilities… Neither of us views ourselves (or the other) as the more important contributor; he’s not superior to me because he labors all day and brings home the largest income- and I’m not superior to him because I make the food and keep the household in order.
The fact that one may do 80% of the housework and the other may provide 80% percent of the financial income doesn’t change anything in the slightest… It just means our priorities, and the individual acts of labor we perform in pursuit of creating a household together, are simply different than one another's. But at the end of the day we are equals, and we respect and approach each other as equals because the shared responsibility of maintaining a household falls on both of us.
You can't micromanage that work in terms of labor division, because that's just not how it works. If a couple does, and their marriage fails? Egalitarianism wasn't the culprit... The cause was peoples' piss poor understanding of what Egalitarianism actually is, and how it actually applies to relationship structures- and maybe their inability to see marriage as a partnership instead of a competition. And you can't blame Egalitarianism for that failure. It's all yours.
Failure's a far cry from being a form of proof for or against Egalitarianism when you're not even bothering to use it right to begin with.
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