Today I stumbled across an etiquette blog in my Tumblr recommendations. The user goes by the name “Proper Girl” and posts etiquette tips and takes questions; usually I usually get excited when I see blogs like this on Tumblr because I find them fascinating. But three posts into their blog, however, and I was already disappointed with their content.
My main problem is with many of the q&a's they post, wherein they answer questions others have about etiquette. One particular one that caught my attention was a rather poor one about whether or not an inquirer should continue making excuses as to why she couldn't hang out (or otherwise interact with) a person outside of the group settings they typically encounter one another in- or if they should tell the person they simply don't want to outright.
The answer? Of course you should continue lying! And not only should you continue lying… It is, in fact, polite to lie!
I believe what you’re doing is the kinder alternative to bluntly expressing your disdain for her. Continue to make polite excuses. Eventually she’ll take the hint and give it up.
To be honest, I find the answer the author of the blog gave to be rather abhorrent. I genuinely don't (and have never) understood advice that encourages you not to be open and honest with people- and I've especially never understood it when it comes to whether or not you'd like to spend time with someone. I have no idea why we as a society believe that blatantly turning someone down is the less polite option when it comes to getting out of unwanted social interaction, than lying to them.
I understand not telling people off directly at least to a certain extent, of course: You may be afraid of the social or other consequences that you could potentially incur by putting your foot down. I struggle with this a lot myself. But there's a difference between indirectly telling someone off in a way that doesn't hurt feelings, and outright lying- and lying is exactly what you are doing when you make up fictitious excuses as to why you can't accept someone’s invitation to hang out with them, rather than simply telling them you aren’t interested.
The absolute irony of their answer, however, is that this portion is prefaced with a statement that “You shouldn’t be forced to endure a person’s company when you have no interest in doing so”. I don't think they realize, however, that by making excuses instead of making your lack of interest explicitly known... That's kind of exactly what you're doing: Forcing yourself to continue enduring their repeated invitations, by not being direct about your interest in them.
Most people extend these offers out of a genuine interest in you, and want for your companionship. By making excuses instead of telling them outright, you're misleading them into believing that if they just catch you at the right moment you might be able to finally spare some time for them; that if you weren’t so busy then you could, maybe, legitimately be interested in spending time with them.
Yes, some may give up after a while. But the fact of the matter is not everyone is going to eventually “get the hint” and leave you alone. To insist they will is to ignore a whole host of disorders that disconnect people from complex social, verbal, and other cues for one reason or another. And, of course, those that don’t pick up on it will continue extending their offers or requests until you eventually snap at them.
More irony, however, comes from an earlier post in their blog where, in a post about friendship, they say that “To [them], etiquette is about showing the people that we care about how much we value them”. An ironic statement since this sort of behavior shows a complete lack of respect for a person.
If you can't outright and honestly express your disinterest in a clear and straightforward manner- and would rather make up excuses and dodge the person instead? It says “I would rather continue lying to you than show you I respect you as a person by telling you the truth”. And frankly, that isn’t a fair thing to do that to the person asking. In fact, it’s actually rather rude- and the consequences of continuing to lie can cause more problems for you in the long run.
Turning someone down doesn’t necessarily have to be done rudely. There are plenty of ways to tastefully, respectfully, and politely tell someone you're not interested or don't enjoy their company- and detailed explanations about why aren't necessary. All you have to do, really, is be honest and straightforward with the person.
At some point you have to buck up and realize that lying to people is not, and will never actually be, polite or nice behavior; if you're not interested in someone’s company, then continuously making excuses and side skirting the issue is not and never will be the appropriate way to handle declining their requests or invitations. Instead, telling them plainly that you are not interested is and will always be the better option for a thousand reasons.