Since the moment we signed the Wedding Certificate, my Husband and I have been bombarded left and right with a host of questions; people've been asking us things like "so what's it like to be married?" or "how does it feel?".
My Husband and I are coming up on our one year anniversary in March of this year (2016), and I honestly couldn't be happier with our arrangement ... But in all honesty? I've never been sure what answer people were expecting when they asked us these questions; I couldn't for the life of me understand the obvious fishing ... But then one day, after looking at Marriage articles online, I think I've finally figured it out.
Our culture seems to be over-rife with the idea that "Marriage changes everything". And just one Google search alone on the topic brings up a host of links which'll tell you as much very quickly- such as this one, this one, this one, and even this one, to name only a small smattering of them.
Quite oddly to me, to the people who seem to hold this ideology, marriage changes the mental, romantic, emotional, and similar aspects of your relationship the second you get married; supposedly it's more romantic, more passionate, and more fun, being married; you try harder at your relationship because there's "no easy way out". Things are more intimate. You communicate better; the number of things that marriage apparently changes is, according to them, upwards of basically a mile long.
For some people, maybe this is true. But as a married creature, I haven't found any of this to be true for my Husband and I at all.
Some things obviously actually do change when you get married, of course. It is, after all, a legally binding contract entered into between you, your Spouse, and the Federal Government. And in that regard, I can now do a lot of things legally that I wouldn't be able to if not for that "little piece of paper" ... For instance: I can now garner loans and enter contracts in my Husband's name without him being present. I can pay his bills for him- and I can open accounts in his name without him there with me. I can visit him in the hospital should he fall ill, discuss his medical records with his Doctors without his expressed permission to do so, and even make health decisions for him if he can't make them himself. Likewise, I will automatically inherit all his property without the need for a binding Last Will and Testament. We also approach budgeting and bills differently now, and so on and so forth.
These things are all important- and they're important to understanding why the fight for Marriage Equality has been an ongoing struggle for so many groups throughout history; whether one is Queer, Disabled, Trans, Polyamorous, or some other minority which currently suffers without true Marriage Equality, these rights granted by this so-called "little piece of paper" aren't insignificant in the slightest. They're very significant changes- or, more correctly, additions- that one can (and should be able to) make to one's relationship, indeed.
But in reality, that's not actually what people asking those questions really mean whenever they ask them- and in that case? Nothing has changed for us. In fact, my Husband and I's relationship is the exact same in the manner they're typically fishing about; a year later and we're still wonderfully in love, we still have an Egalitarian relationship, we still communicate well, we've still never had a fight, and so on ... And so I've always responded- and will continue to respond- with the same retort every time I'm asked: It feels the exact same as it did when I wasn't married.
This will likely be controversial to a lot of people who've fallen into the trap of marital romanticism pushed by our society (and then unrightfully blamed on Disney) ... But I actively and vehemently disagree with the sentiment that marriage should change anything at all about a couple's relationship. Instead, I've fallen very firmly into the mindset that Marriage shouldn't change anything at all. And if you believe that it should, then I believe that ultimately you've failed; there's potentially something wrong with the relationship in the first place, and you're approaching marriage with a mindset that is more than likely detrimental to its final success.
The fact of the matter is that we can subscribe whatever spiritual and religious importance to Marriage that we want. But it doesn't change the fact that marriage itself- while it is a commitment often made between two parties who love each other, and which is often made as a way of socially recognizing or validating that love- is still a legal contract in the end and nothing more; it's a Federal and State recognized contract wherein two parties agree to share financial and other responsibilities in exchange for certain legal rights and leeways. It can be nullified through the proper legal procedures, and often upholds the individuals to certain standards, actions, and expectations from one another.
In other words: It's genuinely no different than any other legally recognized contract a person could or would sign during their lifetime- except in the social expectations, constructs, and ideologies that surround it. But it's not the love you have for one another, though- or the communication and trust between you, the emotion, or anything else ... These things are why we often consider a Marriage contract, but your relationship is not your marriage- and your marriage isn't your relationship.
You shouldn't expect marriage to make your relationship more passionate, or change your sexual interest in your partner; to make you want to spend more or less time with them; make you and your partner more committed to one another, or attend to one another's needs any more than you already do; and you shouldn't think that it means you will be any more likely to communicate with each other, nor that it will erase underlying communication issues. Likewise, you shouldn't expect it to change whether or not you fight ... It won't magically change your circumstances- and it certainly isn't going to change people, either; a legal document giving you new legal rights as a couple isn't going to mean that you or your Husband are suddenly going to have all your ducks in a row. And a childish alcoholic prior to marriage is not suddenly going to become a responsible adult overnight. That behavior can and will continue on into the marriage.
In short: Signing a Marriage Certificate and filing it with your County Clerk doesn't fundamentally change anything about your relationship- nor should it. And no amount of social expectation about Marriage is- or should- change that, either.
If you want a good, fulfilling marriage based on mutual love, trust, and respect, then these things should already be present to their fullest ability in your relationship- and they should be present well before you ever decide to marry in the first place. Because marriage is not a magical wand that you can wave in order to make all of the good things even better and all of the bad things suddenly good; Marriage is not your relationship, it's merely an extension of it. And the quicker you realize that? The more prepared for Marriage you'll be- and the better a Marriage that you'll have in the end.
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